dependent

Headlights dance upon the wall, growing closer in the dark.
   I know they’re not yours. 
My regrets grow
reimagining your taillights diminishing into darkness, 
leaving my mistakes in the front yard,
priceless actions no one buys the excuses for.
And I’m alone
in the house that was once ours,
your belongings absent,
leaving a void hollower than your voice
as you said
goodbye.
I stare up passed the ceiling searching for answers from the sky
on why I can never allow happiness to settle within my bones
always running away from what I know I want
in an endless hunt to avoid need—
my dependency was never on you
but in bottles I hid in,
too fearful to face life
without buffers.
Know it was never you I was trying to escape,
and it was never you I wanted to leave
and I’m sorry
that in order to lose myself I had to lose you first.
And I admit
I could have been better
and I hope you believe
that I wanted to be better
but the timing of the hands wasn’t correct,
now stuck ticking in the wrong meter
jerking
   back and forth
between the same second
and I’m stuck
reimagining your taillights diminishing into
the darkness
caving in around me
as I finally outrun myself.

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